I have had quite a last couple of months. Lost a love, gave birth to kidney stones and have been trying to heal emotionally and physically ever since. Those of you who know me well, have probably noticed a sadness in my countenance. First of all, please allow me to apologize. I am sincerely trying hard to be who I know I am. Second of all, I probably need you all more now than I ever have before.
Someone once told me that I need to be weak so that others can be strong. Let me tell you I haven't felt this weak in a long time! I also haven't felt so alone! Even though I know you are all here for me, this has definitely been a struggle.
I'm not only a humble woman, but very proud and stubborn as well...I know big surprise for some of you. I know God loves me. I know that He lives and He touches my life in so many ways. But I have forgotten how it feels to have love for such a long time. I was fairly content in my life believing that the righteous desires of my heart were probably left for the next life. Then a friend came back into my life telling me the things I wanted to hear...If he knew how we could make it work through the distance, he would make it work...I was a little shocked at this statement because ten months prior to that, he quit talking to me. It was probably for the best because I leaned on the Lord. Then out of the blue, he contacts me and says that...wow...shocked.
After an exchange of him saying many, many things...I know this is right...I can't wait to be with you...I don't want to move too fast, but I don't want to go too slow that we just give up...You are beautiful...I care a lot for you. It went to...we are on different pages...you know what you want and I have no idea...after you left I realized I am not ready to have a relationship with anyone in any way...Oh Lord the pain! The hurt! The tears! The air being pulled out of your lungs! Your heart being twisted and broken into tiny little pieces! Mostly because of trusting again when I was content to just live my life alone.
There hasn't been a day in the last month that I haven't cried. That I haven't beat MYSELF up because he told me that he would catch me this time. I know someone caught me. It wasn't him though. I know angels watch over me and I know they are holding me up right now. I know that this is not a result of something that I did or didn't do. Even though I know that, it doesn't make it hurt any less.
The desires of my heart are very true. I long for a little family of my own. I long to love someone with all my heart and have them love me back. I long to be married in the temple and raise my family to love the Lord, themselves and those around them. I long to be happy. I miss the happy me. He told me that I was fun to be around, that I am hilarious and that I am beautiful. That I don't need a man in my life to feel good about myself. But it took me allowing him to make me feel bad about myself.
Now, I don't want you all to say that he is a bad person. Or that he's stupid. Or any other mean thing. I still hold a place in my heart for this person. I always will. He is a very good man who was not treated well in his previous relationships. I know that is no excuse, but I still care for him with all my heart. And I miss him very very much. I want the best in life for him. I will always be here for him and will defend him. That is just who I am. Remember "I'm not perfect. I never will be. But I am an honest woman who cares about those around me no matter what."
I know this makes no sense whatsoever. But I am just writing down the thoughts that plague my mind and that hurt in my heart. I hope by releasing the pain through writing that I will be able to be the happy me...that this poison will leave me!
His sisters and his mom are my friends. I hold them dear to me as well. I hope you know that I will always care for him and be here for him. I haven't left. Never have. Never will.
When the time is right, I know that the Lord will bless me with my righteous desires. It may not be in this life, it may be in the next. But I know He hasn't forgot about me and has not left me alone.
Thank you friends for letting me release what has been troubling my heart. I hope none of you think less of me for being weak...but I guess it is me calling out saying I need you to be strong for me and continue to hold me up. You are my angels sent from God above. I love you all!
