Life has a funny way of putting us on our backs in order to force us to look up. The last few weeks have been what I am classifying as "the whirl wind effect". People, experiences and love have come and gone in the flash of an eye. I know there are reasons for it, but right now I just want to be mad and angry. I want to cry and get it out of my system. I want answers. I want what I am missing...but I also know there's a purpose...I will explain that more later.
I read a quote on my cousin's FaceBook. It went a little something like this: “I'm strong because I know what it's like to be weak. I keep a guard up, because I know what it's like to cry myself to sleep.” This has been me in a nut shell the last few weeks. I have been riding this emotional roller coaster. Up one day. Down the next. I know we all have our ups and downs, but this was starting to become too much. It was affecting my work. It was affecting my play. It was affecting my spirit.
There are reasons for everything. People come into your life for a reason. I have always believed that when you love someone (or even something), often times you must let that person go in order to grow. Sometimes it isn't about you. Other times it is. If they come back to you, it is fate. There is a lesson to be learned here though too. Sometimes that person can leave. Again. And then what do you call that? Some call it heart ache. Some call it a living hell. To each one of us it will mean something different. I am calling it "the whirl wind effect".
With each twist and turn in the whirl wind, it grows stronger. There's a force that cannot be reckoned with. It tears things apart. It destroys everything in its path. However, as it climbs to the heavens, its path widens and becomes weaker. It is as if it is opening its arms to the heavens and releasing all of its hatred and scorn. It is gone in the flash of an eye.
I will be the first to admit, this is a ride I don't like. It is painful. It is tearing every ounce of my heart out. It is choking the breath out of me. It is making me hateful. It is making me cry. But most of all it is making me an unbeliever. All things I do NOT want to be. But these emotions are real and I need to face them. So here I am facing them...but, remember life has a way of putting us on our back in order to force us to look up...
I lost a "love". I got accepted to school. I lost a friend. I was able to help one out tonight. I lost my soul. God gave it back it me. "The whirl wind effect" has taken a lot of things from me, but in the course of weakening, it allowed me to open up my arms to heaven and let go.
Tonight I am following a good friend's advice..."let go and let God". This time around, I am much stronger than I was before.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Champion of the Little Guy
Lately there have been many sleepless nights. Tossing and turning, wondering what life has in store, where I will be in two days, five years or even tomorrow. Essentially losing sleep over things I cannot control. I have worried far too long about what is going to happen tomorrow that the day passes by and I wonder "where did time go?"
Somewhere along the way, I have lost sight of what really matters. Me. And tonight, as I sit here crying (it's been a rollercoaster of a day!) I just came to realize that the little guy is ME. I need to be a champion of ME. I went through such a dark spell in my life that I didn't think I was ever going to be able to get out of it. Until I decided that I was worth something, did I realize, I don't want to be here. I don't mind the dark, it's what in the dark that I don't like.
Today I had an interesting conversation with someone I least expected. A colleague at work who I didn't think gave a flying fig about me. I learned something interesting from him. He told me that even though he wasn't a "good friend" of mine, he truly believed that everyone had an impact in his life and were there for a reason. He had read a post about me wanting to find a part time job. He gave me some pretty sweet advice and I didn't realize he had until I just finished reading my "love me" book.
Now, a lot of you have already asked me about this book. This is what it is. It is a book filled with quotes, concert ticket stubs, movie ticket stubs, thoughts, dreams, compliments from others, etc. Anything that makes you smile. The purpose of this book is that when you have slumps in life, that you read this book to pick yourself up. Then the rollcoaster ride of life isn't so crazy! haha. Instead it is just a little bump in the road, not a pot hole!
He had told me I need to be my biggest fan. As I read some letters in my "love me" book, my sweet friend Brandee had told me the same thing. Hearing it twice in one day means I needed to remember to be a champion of the little guy, ME. Brandee had also told me that she wised that I could see how amazing I am. I do not believe myself to be amazing. Brandee isn't the only one who has told me that I am amazing; my sister does all the time, my BFF's, colleagues, friends, almost everyone I know has told me that I am amazing. Now, I am humble. I do not believe myself to be amazing. I believe I am just doing what I am supposed to do and be the best me I can be. But if I do not believe I am amazing (and not in a conceited way) then I am not being the best me I can be and am selling myself short.
My mirror is broken. My magic wand is broken. I sell myself short all of the time. I am truly an amazing person. I am a God fearing, grateful, humble, kind hearted, loyal, diligent, beautiful, sincere, amazing person. You have no idea how hard that was to type. Sometimes I have to be weak so that others can be strong. If you know me at all that is very difficult. But friends, I am weak, I just don't ever show it.
Please don't ever think that I am not grateful for you. I know when you offer me help it is because you need to be strong and I am selfish and cannot be weak. I will try to be better at being more humble and allowing the goodness to flow into my heart instead of being so stubborn. I will give you the opportunity to be a strength for me instead of me being the strength all of the time.
I am blessed to be here on the earth at this time and have the friends that I have. I am grateful for each and everyone. I am most of all thankful for my family who loves me without condition. My cup runneth over.
My words to you now are be a champion of the little guy, YOU. Love you. Take care of YOU. Only then will you be able to take care of those around you. Remember this always "You are a ten. You were born a ten. You will die a ten. And regardless of thoughts of yourself or others, you are still a ten." My beautiful friends, you are a ten! And I love you. Here's to the champions! God Bless.
Somewhere along the way, I have lost sight of what really matters. Me. And tonight, as I sit here crying (it's been a rollercoaster of a day!) I just came to realize that the little guy is ME. I need to be a champion of ME. I went through such a dark spell in my life that I didn't think I was ever going to be able to get out of it. Until I decided that I was worth something, did I realize, I don't want to be here. I don't mind the dark, it's what in the dark that I don't like.
Today I had an interesting conversation with someone I least expected. A colleague at work who I didn't think gave a flying fig about me. I learned something interesting from him. He told me that even though he wasn't a "good friend" of mine, he truly believed that everyone had an impact in his life and were there for a reason. He had read a post about me wanting to find a part time job. He gave me some pretty sweet advice and I didn't realize he had until I just finished reading my "love me" book.
Now, a lot of you have already asked me about this book. This is what it is. It is a book filled with quotes, concert ticket stubs, movie ticket stubs, thoughts, dreams, compliments from others, etc. Anything that makes you smile. The purpose of this book is that when you have slumps in life, that you read this book to pick yourself up. Then the rollcoaster ride of life isn't so crazy! haha. Instead it is just a little bump in the road, not a pot hole!
He had told me I need to be my biggest fan. As I read some letters in my "love me" book, my sweet friend Brandee had told me the same thing. Hearing it twice in one day means I needed to remember to be a champion of the little guy, ME. Brandee had also told me that she wised that I could see how amazing I am. I do not believe myself to be amazing. Brandee isn't the only one who has told me that I am amazing; my sister does all the time, my BFF's, colleagues, friends, almost everyone I know has told me that I am amazing. Now, I am humble. I do not believe myself to be amazing. I believe I am just doing what I am supposed to do and be the best me I can be. But if I do not believe I am amazing (and not in a conceited way) then I am not being the best me I can be and am selling myself short.
My mirror is broken. My magic wand is broken. I sell myself short all of the time. I am truly an amazing person. I am a God fearing, grateful, humble, kind hearted, loyal, diligent, beautiful, sincere, amazing person. You have no idea how hard that was to type. Sometimes I have to be weak so that others can be strong. If you know me at all that is very difficult. But friends, I am weak, I just don't ever show it.
Please don't ever think that I am not grateful for you. I know when you offer me help it is because you need to be strong and I am selfish and cannot be weak. I will try to be better at being more humble and allowing the goodness to flow into my heart instead of being so stubborn. I will give you the opportunity to be a strength for me instead of me being the strength all of the time.
I am blessed to be here on the earth at this time and have the friends that I have. I am grateful for each and everyone. I am most of all thankful for my family who loves me without condition. My cup runneth over.
My words to you now are be a champion of the little guy, YOU. Love you. Take care of YOU. Only then will you be able to take care of those around you. Remember this always "You are a ten. You were born a ten. You will die a ten. And regardless of thoughts of yourself or others, you are still a ten." My beautiful friends, you are a ten! And I love you. Here's to the champions! God Bless.
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