Demon:
1. an evil spirit; devil or fiend
2. an evil passion or influence
3. a person considered extremely wicked, evil, or cruel
4. a person with great energy, drive, etc.: He's a demon for work
5. a person, esp. a child, who is very mischievous
6. of, pertaining to, characteristic of, or noting a demon
7. possessed or controlled by a demon
Decision:
1. the act of or need for making up one's mind
2. something that is decided; resolution
3. a judgment, as one formally pronounced by a court
4. the quality of being decided; firmness
Each of us have many skeletons in our closet. This post is going to get very personal and I will be showing a lot of them to get my point across here. I want each of you to understand as you read this post, that I have changed a lot and it took a lot to get to where I am and will take a lot more to get to where I want to be. I would also ask that you do not judge me because you will learn some pretty distrubing things about Chazzy. Here goes...
Six years ago, I divorced my husband of 8.5 years. This was a very defining moment in my life. I decided that to comfort myself, I would turn to alcohol. For those of you that were with me at this time, you know all too well how I turned to it for comfort. For those of you who were not, consider yourself blessed. I literally spent ONE year at the bottom of a bottle. I was drunk every night. I was violent. I bit people (sorry Chad and Johnny). I slapped. I was vulgar and could make a sailor blush. I had a LOT of anger. I didn't care if I made it to work on time, I just cared about getting finished with work so I could start to drink again. And I didn't care about how I got from point A to point B. I drove and don't even remember some of the drives, even to this day. In short, I did a LOT of things I am not proud of. I am grateful I didn't hurt anyone including myself.
During that time I was living in Rexburg going to school at BYU-I. I was driving to and from Ashton almost nightly. Yes, I was drinking. And yes, I know BYU-I has an honor code. I lasted one semester and school was getting in the way of my drinking so I dropped out and moved to Ashton. Party all the time. Party every night. I was a bar fly. I would walk into Ott's Place and it was like "Norm" off of Cheers. I will say I had a great time with a HUGE expense. Debt.
I was in desparate need of a full time job with benefits. Bills were stacking up and I was trying to figure out how to pay for them all. Melaleuca truly saved my life. I got a job in the Rexburg Call Center and moved to Rexburg again. The partying subsided a bit, but when I got the chance, I was back in Ashton partying with someone who I thought was my friend. I remember that the defining moment was when I would wake up from partying the night before and throw up til all that was coming up was bile. My stomach was a mess. I was going to work with a hang over. No one knew how bad it was. I did. I couldn't do the throwing up all of the time. For anyone who knows me you know how much I hate throwing up.
So the partying subsided a little bit more. I was in so much debt at this time that I had to move in with my mother who lives in Ririe. At 32 years old I was living with my mother in a single bedroom apartment. I partied hard on the weekends only...that was okay right? Then I became a trainer for Melaleuca. I started to work in Idaho Falls and cleaned up my act. A little bit...
After living with my mom for two years, I was able to get out from under some of the debt I had incurred two years after my divorce. I moved into Idaho Falls and became a drunk again. How I never got fired is beyond me. I drank every night again. I was depressed about being alone. Booze was my friend. It never left me. I could always depend on it to be there. One day after a drinking binge, my blood pressure was through the roof. I thought I was going to die. My sister went with me to the doctor and she chocked when they read my BP. Moment of truth. I scared the hell out of my sister. One of the people I look up to. It was a year ago this month that I went to the doctor and he told me "no drinking, no caffeine, no drugs, no stimulants of any kind". It was literally a do or die moment.
I did really well for about three months. I had surgery to remove some lipomas. I was feeling pretty good about myself and then in May after working in our storage unit, my knee was killing me. I was to have surgery to repair some bone chips at the end of June. I went on a binge on my birthday and left it at that. During this time, I was reading a book called "The Four Agreements". I was finding peace within myself, but still was not feeling complete. I was learning to not make assumptions. I was learning that my best IS good enough. I was learning to be true to my word, and the hardest one, taking nothing personally. These were great concepts and I live by them now, but I was just not complete.
My best friend's sister was getting ready to be sealed to her husband. As they have been going through the steps, she realized that her family would not be able to be there as she goes to the temple. She asked me if I could go. I told her I had to prepare a great deal in order to fulfill her request. But I told her that I would do it just for her. NOW, this was a LOT for me to do. I had years worth of repentance (which some of this had already taken place when I tried to go back to church when I lived with my mother) and a much needed what I term as a "come to Jesus meeting". See, I was a little mad, no I was a lot mad with Jesus. I figured it was easier to blame him for the loss of my dear cousin Heidi and my marriage. But I put aside my pride and looked online for what time and where my church was located at. I even called the Bishop and told him I was looking to come back to church and I wanted a meeting with HIM! haha. By George, if this was going to happen, it was going to be on MY terms!! Little did I know that the Lord had a plan. Doesn't he always! ha.
I went to church. All I wanted at this point was to attend the meetings and be left alone and not have the scarlet letter of being a single, divorced, convert, with a chip on her shoulder. I sat in the back. A little sweetheart of a lady turned to me and introduced herself and welcomed me in. Huh I thought whatever! But as I sat there, I was shocked that people just left me alone. Finally! I was able to not be judged. I had a meeting with the Bishop and told him that I wanted to be able to attend my BFF's sister's temple sealing in January 2011. That she would have her own endowments in December 2010. He said let's see ya here attending your meetings and then we will talk.
I came back the next Sunday. The sweetheart of a lady sat next to me this time saying she needed to keep an eye on me. I continued to attend church and have grown to love being there. I want to be there. I keep going back. Ha! Who would have thought?! After some soul searching, I still was not complete. Peace was not coming to me. I thought "I am doing the things I need to do. Why can I NOT find peace? I was at peace with myself for repentance. I was at peace with myself for paying tithing. I was at peace with myself for forgiving myself for being so stupid and blaming the Lord for my failures instead of taking ownership. WHY? Why wasn't it coming?
I went to the Bishop. I wasn't sleeping at this point. I was exhausted and I was emotionally becoming a wreck. I was already physically a wreck due to lack of sleep. As I spoke to him, I suddenly realized, I need the peace of the temple. It had been years since I was there, but I remember the peace that came to me while there. I needed that again. I wanted that again. The one thing holding me back was tithing. Weeks later, I became a full tithe payer and received my temple recommend. After much trial I had reached a goal. WOW!
What did it take? Repentance. A LOT of it! Faith...which I struggled with and still do at times. Tithing. I love that I can say that tithing is not a burden to me. Prayer. I pray every night and day. It also took cleaning out the closet of all the demons and skeletons that were there. I had to make decisions on what was going to be the best for me.
My demon, was alcohol. I am no longer possessed by it. I am proud to say that I am going on five months with NO alcohol. It has been hard, but each day becomes easier. My relationships with my family and friends has been truly blessed. They are stronger and the love and happiness can be felt by them.
My decision, or decisions, was to make up my mind that I am far better than the demon that possessed me and to live my life free from its grasp.
Last month was such a trial as I watched people ring in the new year. I wanted so much to feel a part of the festivities. I had an "ah ha" moment when I realized I was more part of the festivities than I have ever been before. I was actually PRESENT and not under control of a demon. I, Chaz, had control! What a breath of fresh air!
I know that my trials are not over with. I know that as I conquer my demons, other situations will arise to test my mettle. But for once in my life, I am at control of the helm. I am captain of my ship. Master of my domain. What a relief!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Lonely .v Alone
I have been thinking about this blog for quite some time and tonight my little brother, James T, messaged me on Facebook and asked "when you gonna blog? I have been checking it and you haven't been writing".
So here I am. Pondering still the difference between lonely and alone. I didn't want this chapter to be weak. Many people say that they are sick of being lonely. Some say that they are sick of being alone. I believe that the two words are often used interchangeably because they seem to mean the same thing. I believe them to be two completely different words.
Lonely is defined as:
1. affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.
2. destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc.
3. lone; solitary; without company; companionless.
4. remote from places of human habitation; desolate; unfrequented; bleak
5. standing apart; isolated
Alone is defined as:
1. separate, apart, or isolated from others
2. to the exclusion of all others or all else
3. unique; unequaled; unexcelled
I have come to the conclusion that I am definitely lonely at times (without company) but I will never be alone (isolated from others). At times it is perfectly acceptable to be lonely. I have days where I want to be without company. There are just days where I have had enough of people and want some deserved (and sometimes desired) peace and quiet! But there are not days where I want to be excluded from others. I am a social butterfly, or so I have been told. I do NOT want to be alone, EVER!
I was married for 8.5 years to a great guy who happened to not be the great guy for me. I have been companionless now for six years. Yes, there are days when I yearn so badly for someone to be sitting here at this small, yet comfortable place I rent. Someone to tell my day to. Someone to hold my hand and tell me that it is all going to be alright. Someone who will make me laugh, wipe my tears when I am sad, hold me in their arms for no other reason than just because. Yes I have been lonely!
Then, I remember that I am never alone. I have very wonderful friends and family members who without a doubt listen to me when my day has been bad or good. They, from distances, hold my hand to tell me it's all going to be alright. They make me laugh. They wipe away my tears. They hold me in their arms with loving care just because they can. No, I am NEVER alone. I have each one of you.
So here I am. Pondering still the difference between lonely and alone. I didn't want this chapter to be weak. Many people say that they are sick of being lonely. Some say that they are sick of being alone. I believe that the two words are often used interchangeably because they seem to mean the same thing. I believe them to be two completely different words.
Lonely is defined as:
1. affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.
2. destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc.
3. lone; solitary; without company; companionless.
4. remote from places of human habitation; desolate; unfrequented; bleak
5. standing apart; isolated
Alone is defined as:
1. separate, apart, or isolated from others
2. to the exclusion of all others or all else
3. unique; unequaled; unexcelled
I have come to the conclusion that I am definitely lonely at times (without company) but I will never be alone (isolated from others). At times it is perfectly acceptable to be lonely. I have days where I want to be without company. There are just days where I have had enough of people and want some deserved (and sometimes desired) peace and quiet! But there are not days where I want to be excluded from others. I am a social butterfly, or so I have been told. I do NOT want to be alone, EVER!
I was married for 8.5 years to a great guy who happened to not be the great guy for me. I have been companionless now for six years. Yes, there are days when I yearn so badly for someone to be sitting here at this small, yet comfortable place I rent. Someone to tell my day to. Someone to hold my hand and tell me that it is all going to be alright. Someone who will make me laugh, wipe my tears when I am sad, hold me in their arms for no other reason than just because. Yes I have been lonely!
Then, I remember that I am never alone. I have very wonderful friends and family members who without a doubt listen to me when my day has been bad or good. They, from distances, hold my hand to tell me it's all going to be alright. They make me laugh. They wipe away my tears. They hold me in their arms with loving care just because they can. No, I am NEVER alone. I have each one of you.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Faith...or something like it
Lately I have been questioning the term faith. On Facebook, I asked you, my friends, what faith meant to you.
One response I received was "Faith is a principle of action". Greg
Another few said that "faith was make believe, nothing more than a false security blanket for the weak to fall on". John/Aaron
"Faith is the assured expectation of things hoped for, the evident demonstartion of realities though not beheld". Corry
"Fatih is when you close your eyes and open your heart". Liza
"Faith gave me strength". Sandy
"Faith is knowing something without tangible proof". Tasha
"Faith is trust". Brittany
So many different meanings of faith to so many of you. This made me come to the realization that faith is something very personal to each one of us. I decided to see what dictionary.com gave as a definition of faith. Here is what I found:
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing
2. belief that is not based on proof
3. belief in god or in the doctrines or teachings of religion
4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.
5. a system of religious belief
6. the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc
7. the observance of this obligation; fidelity to one's promise, oath, allegiance, etc.
8. Christian Theology . the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved.
Long story short; even dictionary.com cannot come up with ONE single definition of faith.
Today I believe that I practiced faith. Or what I feel faith might be. Before I tell my story, let me give you my definition of faith.
Faith to Chaz means: believing in something not seen; knowing in your heart that it is true; having a feeling of overwhelming peace as you make a decision; putting all of your trust in the Lord; having confidence in yourself to do the right thing.
Each of you helped me realize what faith is to me. Faith gives you hope, which in turn gives you patience.
Here is how today played out: I went to see Dr. McCowin. I have been having a lot of overwhelming pain ever since my core procedure was done in June. I thought that things would get feeling better and to no avail they only have become worse. I have just lived with the pain, but as of late, it has taken a toll on my spirit. I have been depressed, sad, lonely, and stressed. I have made a lot of changes in my life to only feel this weight of dispair hang over me. The pain has made me not only physically irritable, but emotionally I am a wreck and mentally, I have all but given up. Dr. McCowin has been conservative with my therapy because he has wanted to avoid an additional surgery. Today was D-Day. It was determined that an MRI will be needed on the left knee to see if i have torn my meniscus. Mind you the left knee is the "good knee". I have been overcompensating so much we fear we may have damaged it as well. Surgery will most definitely be needed on the right knee. He will realign the knee cap by doing a Maquet Procedure. It will be performed in March.
I drove to work and called Mom. She was very patient and very understanding and so upbeat and positive. Really what I needed from my mommy at the time :) thanks Mom. There was fog so I had my lights on. I went about my day, trying to not think of it. Hard not to when you are trying to get your assignments completed, let your boss know about the near future (and after experiencing this just in June trying to make sure he doesn't freak out ), and just make it through the day without crying. Hard to do when you talk to Shelley and she's so wonderful and positive and upbeat and is really what I needed from my Shelley at the time :) thanks Shelley. Talking to Mom again who says we will figure this all out when the time comes. Who are you and what did you do with my Mom?! Thanks Mom! :)
Well I made it through work (sigh of relief). I go out to my car and use my keyless remote and my car won't unlock. HMmm...weird. Oh SNAP!!! Guess who left the lights on on their car?! Yes, you guessed it, ME!!! From about 951am to 509pm my lights were on. Talk about dead battery! Thank everything good and holy we have a GREAT maintenance and security staff who came to the rescue...thank you Dave :). I go to Wal-Mart to pick up a prescription from Dr. McCowin and pick up some girlie items (yes, she had to come this week too) and Wal-Mart no longer carries my brand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did get to see Cathy, who is struggling through her own hell medically. She is so positive and has FAITH that her Dr will find out what is wrong. She is truly an inspiration to me...I have a lot to be grateful...keep Cathy in your prayers friends.
All day, I have batted 50/50. Something that I didn't realize until I got home, is that I have had an enormous amount of patience all day long. Let me repeat that, I have had an enormous amount of patience all day long. Guess what?! I think I am finally figuring this all out.
All along, I have had faith. I just needed to close my eyes and open my heart and believe in myself. I had to find my inner strength and not let other's actions rule my world. I am captain of my soul. Master of my domain.
Faith knocked at the door, fear was shoved aside, and I, I was there to answer it!
One response I received was "Faith is a principle of action". Greg
Another few said that "faith was make believe, nothing more than a false security blanket for the weak to fall on". John/Aaron
"Faith is the assured expectation of things hoped for, the evident demonstartion of realities though not beheld". Corry
"Fatih is when you close your eyes and open your heart". Liza
"Faith gave me strength". Sandy
"Faith is knowing something without tangible proof". Tasha
"Faith is trust". Brittany
So many different meanings of faith to so many of you. This made me come to the realization that faith is something very personal to each one of us. I decided to see what dictionary.com gave as a definition of faith. Here is what I found:
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing
2. belief that is not based on proof
3. belief in god or in the doctrines or teachings of religion
4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.
5. a system of religious belief
6. the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc
7. the observance of this obligation; fidelity to one's promise, oath, allegiance, etc.
8. Christian Theology . the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved.
Long story short; even dictionary.com cannot come up with ONE single definition of faith.
Today I believe that I practiced faith. Or what I feel faith might be. Before I tell my story, let me give you my definition of faith.
Faith to Chaz means: believing in something not seen; knowing in your heart that it is true; having a feeling of overwhelming peace as you make a decision; putting all of your trust in the Lord; having confidence in yourself to do the right thing.
Each of you helped me realize what faith is to me. Faith gives you hope, which in turn gives you patience.
Here is how today played out: I went to see Dr. McCowin. I have been having a lot of overwhelming pain ever since my core procedure was done in June. I thought that things would get feeling better and to no avail they only have become worse. I have just lived with the pain, but as of late, it has taken a toll on my spirit. I have been depressed, sad, lonely, and stressed. I have made a lot of changes in my life to only feel this weight of dispair hang over me. The pain has made me not only physically irritable, but emotionally I am a wreck and mentally, I have all but given up. Dr. McCowin has been conservative with my therapy because he has wanted to avoid an additional surgery. Today was D-Day. It was determined that an MRI will be needed on the left knee to see if i have torn my meniscus. Mind you the left knee is the "good knee". I have been overcompensating so much we fear we may have damaged it as well. Surgery will most definitely be needed on the right knee. He will realign the knee cap by doing a Maquet Procedure. It will be performed in March.
I drove to work and called Mom. She was very patient and very understanding and so upbeat and positive. Really what I needed from my mommy at the time :) thanks Mom. There was fog so I had my lights on. I went about my day, trying to not think of it. Hard not to when you are trying to get your assignments completed, let your boss know about the near future (and after experiencing this just in June trying to make sure he doesn't freak out ), and just make it through the day without crying. Hard to do when you talk to Shelley and she's so wonderful and positive and upbeat and is really what I needed from my Shelley at the time :) thanks Shelley. Talking to Mom again who says we will figure this all out when the time comes. Who are you and what did you do with my Mom?! Thanks Mom! :)
Well I made it through work (sigh of relief). I go out to my car and use my keyless remote and my car won't unlock. HMmm...weird. Oh SNAP!!! Guess who left the lights on on their car?! Yes, you guessed it, ME!!! From about 951am to 509pm my lights were on. Talk about dead battery! Thank everything good and holy we have a GREAT maintenance and security staff who came to the rescue...thank you Dave :). I go to Wal-Mart to pick up a prescription from Dr. McCowin and pick up some girlie items (yes, she had to come this week too) and Wal-Mart no longer carries my brand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did get to see Cathy, who is struggling through her own hell medically. She is so positive and has FAITH that her Dr will find out what is wrong. She is truly an inspiration to me...I have a lot to be grateful...keep Cathy in your prayers friends.
All day, I have batted 50/50. Something that I didn't realize until I got home, is that I have had an enormous amount of patience all day long. Let me repeat that, I have had an enormous amount of patience all day long. Guess what?! I think I am finally figuring this all out.
All along, I have had faith. I just needed to close my eyes and open my heart and believe in myself. I had to find my inner strength and not let other's actions rule my world. I am captain of my soul. Master of my domain.
Faith knocked at the door, fear was shoved aside, and I, I was there to answer it!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
In the Beginning
Hey friends!
I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to write a book. The old fashioned way. By hand. I told a friend I was going to and he said "do it". So I said to myself "Self, do it!". I started writing it and I titled it Meetings with God, because I have been having a LOT of meetings with him lately. I told several people that I was writing a book and they (you) have all said "I want to read it". As of late, I have not been writing. Too many things going on; you know how life has a way of getting in your way when you let it.
Tasha has been nudging me ever so softly to read her blogg. Today I had some time and I thought to myself, "self you really need to read that". Here I am after several tears have fallen, reading her blogg and realizing I have been a big part of some of the things she has spoken about.
The point to this story is that I have decided to put my book on here. So you all can read it as it develops. The name has changed a little. From Meetings with God to Meetings with God...The Journey Begins. I have been struggling with a lot of things as of lately. All of you have been a part of it somehow. I thank you ever so much for your patience, tolerance, assistance, love, support, knowledge, therapy, and the list goes on and on. And I know you will be there continuing with all of those things.
I want you to know that I love you all. You are my friends and family for more reasons than we will all ever know. In the grand scope of things, this is where my journey is beginning. Thank you for being here as we begin.
Much love, peace, and happiness.
I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to write a book. The old fashioned way. By hand. I told a friend I was going to and he said "do it". So I said to myself "Self, do it!". I started writing it and I titled it Meetings with God, because I have been having a LOT of meetings with him lately. I told several people that I was writing a book and they (you) have all said "I want to read it". As of late, I have not been writing. Too many things going on; you know how life has a way of getting in your way when you let it.
Tasha has been nudging me ever so softly to read her blogg. Today I had some time and I thought to myself, "self you really need to read that". Here I am after several tears have fallen, reading her blogg and realizing I have been a big part of some of the things she has spoken about.
The point to this story is that I have decided to put my book on here. So you all can read it as it develops. The name has changed a little. From Meetings with God to Meetings with God...The Journey Begins. I have been struggling with a lot of things as of lately. All of you have been a part of it somehow. I thank you ever so much for your patience, tolerance, assistance, love, support, knowledge, therapy, and the list goes on and on. And I know you will be there continuing with all of those things.
I want you to know that I love you all. You are my friends and family for more reasons than we will all ever know. In the grand scope of things, this is where my journey is beginning. Thank you for being here as we begin.
Much love, peace, and happiness.
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