Demons and Decisions

Demon:
1. an evil spirit; devil or fiend
2. an evil passion or influence
3. a person considered extremely wicked, evil, or cruel
4. a person with great energy, drive, etc.: He's a demon for work
5. a person, esp. a child, who is very mischievous
6. of, pertaining to, characteristic of, or noting a demon
7. possessed or controlled by a demon

Decision:
1. the act of or need for making up one's mind
2. something that is decided; resolution
3. a judgment, as one formally pronounced by a court
4. the quality of being decided; firmness

Each of us have many skeletons in our closet. This post is going to get very personal and I will be showing a lot of them to get my point across here. I want each of you to understand as you read this post, that I have changed a lot and it took a lot to get to where I am and will take a lot more to get to where I want to be. I would also ask that you do not judge me because you will learn some pretty distrubing things about Chazzy. Here goes...

Six years ago, I divorced my husband of 8.5 years. This was a very defining moment in my life. I decided that to comfort myself, I would turn to alcohol. For those of you that were with me at this time, you know all too well how I turned to it for comfort. For those of you who were not, consider yourself blessed. I literally spent ONE year at the bottom of a bottle. I was drunk every night. I was violent. I bit people (sorry Chad and Johnny). I slapped. I was vulgar and could make a sailor blush. I had a LOT of anger. I didn't care if I made it to work on time, I just cared about getting finished with work so I could start to drink again. And I didn't care about how I got from point A to point B. I drove and don't even remember some of the drives, even to this day. In short, I did a LOT of things I am not proud of. I am grateful I didn't hurt anyone including myself.

During that time I was living in Rexburg going to school at BYU-I. I was driving to and from Ashton almost nightly. Yes, I was drinking. And yes, I know BYU-I has an honor code. I lasted one semester and school was getting in the way of my drinking so I dropped out and moved to Ashton. Party all the time. Party every night. I was a bar fly. I would walk into Ott's Place and it was like "Norm" off of Cheers. I will say I had a great time with a HUGE expense. Debt.

I was in desparate need of a full time job with benefits. Bills were stacking up and I was trying to figure out how to pay for them all. Melaleuca truly saved my life. I got a job in the Rexburg Call Center and moved to Rexburg again. The partying subsided a bit, but when I got the chance, I was back in Ashton partying with someone who I thought was my friend. I remember that the defining moment was when I would wake up from partying the night before and throw up til all that was coming up was bile. My stomach was a mess. I was going to work with a hang over. No one knew how bad it was. I did. I couldn't do the throwing up all of the time. For anyone who knows me you know how much I hate throwing up.

So the partying subsided a little bit more. I was in so much debt at this time that I had to move in with my mother who lives in Ririe. At 32 years old I was living with my mother in a single bedroom apartment. I partied hard on the weekends only...that was okay right? Then I became a trainer for Melaleuca. I started to work in Idaho Falls and cleaned up my act. A little bit...

After living with my mom for two years, I was able to get out from under some of the debt I had incurred two years after my divorce. I moved into Idaho Falls and became a drunk again. How I never got fired is beyond me. I drank every night again. I was depressed about being alone. Booze was my friend. It never left me. I could always depend on it to be there. One day after a drinking binge, my blood pressure was through the roof. I thought I was going to die. My sister went with me to the doctor and she chocked when they read my BP. Moment of truth. I scared the hell out of my sister. One of the people I look up to. It was a year ago this month that I went to the doctor and he told me "no drinking, no caffeine, no drugs, no stimulants of any kind". It was literally a do or die moment.

I did really well for about three months. I had surgery to remove some lipomas. I was feeling pretty good about myself and then in May after working in our storage unit, my knee was killing me. I was to have surgery to repair some bone chips at the end of June. I went on a binge on my birthday and left it at that. During this time, I was reading a book called "The Four Agreements". I was finding peace within myself, but still was not feeling complete. I was learning to not make assumptions. I was learning that my best IS good enough. I was learning to be true to my word, and the hardest one, taking nothing personally. These were great concepts and I live by them now, but I was just not complete.

My best friend's sister was getting ready to be sealed to her husband. As they have been going through the steps, she realized that her family would not be able to be there as she goes to the temple. She asked me if I could go. I told her I had to prepare a great deal in order to fulfill her request. But I told her that I would do it just for her. NOW, this was a LOT for me to do. I had years worth of repentance (which some of this had already taken place when I tried to go back to church when I lived with my mother) and a much needed what I term as a "come to Jesus meeting". See, I was a little mad, no I was a lot mad with Jesus. I figured it was easier to blame him for the loss of my dear cousin Heidi and my marriage. But I put aside my pride and looked online for what time and where my church was located at. I even called the Bishop and told him I was looking to come back to church and I wanted a meeting with HIM! haha. By George, if this was going to happen, it was going to be on MY terms!! Little did I know that the Lord had a plan. Doesn't he always! ha.

I went to church. All I wanted at this point was to attend the meetings and be left alone and not have the scarlet letter of being a single, divorced, convert, with a chip on her shoulder. I sat in the back. A little sweetheart of a lady turned to me and introduced herself and welcomed me in. Huh I thought whatever! But as I sat there, I was shocked that people just left me alone. Finally! I was able to not be judged. I had a meeting with the Bishop and told him that I wanted to be able to attend my BFF's sister's temple sealing in January 2011. That she would have her own endowments in December 2010. He said let's see ya here attending your meetings and then we will talk.

I came back the next Sunday. The sweetheart of a lady sat next to me this time saying she needed to keep an eye on me. I continued to attend church and have grown to love being there. I want to be there. I keep going back. Ha! Who would have thought?! After some soul searching, I still was not complete. Peace was not coming to me. I thought "I am doing the things I need to do. Why can I NOT find peace? I was at peace with myself for repentance. I was at peace with myself for paying tithing. I was at peace with myself for forgiving myself for being so stupid and blaming the Lord for my failures instead of taking ownership. WHY? Why wasn't it coming?

I went to the Bishop. I wasn't sleeping at this point. I was exhausted and I was emotionally becoming a wreck. I was already physically a wreck due to lack of sleep. As I spoke to him, I suddenly realized, I need the peace of the temple. It had been years since I was there, but I remember the peace that came to me while there. I needed that again. I wanted that again. The one thing holding me back was tithing. Weeks later, I became a full tithe payer and received my temple recommend. After much trial I had reached a goal. WOW!

What did it take? Repentance. A LOT of it! Faith...which I struggled with and still do at times. Tithing. I love that I can say that tithing is not a burden to me. Prayer. I pray every night and day. It also took cleaning out the closet of all the demons and skeletons that were there. I had to make decisions on what was going to be the best for me.

My demon, was alcohol. I am no longer possessed by it. I am proud to say that I am going on five months with NO alcohol. It has been hard, but each day becomes easier. My relationships with my family and friends has been truly blessed. They are stronger and the love and happiness can be felt by them.

My decision, or decisions, was to make up my mind that I am far better than the demon that possessed me and to live my life free from its grasp.

Last month was such a trial as I watched people ring in the new year. I wanted so much to feel a part of the festivities. I had an "ah ha" moment when I realized I was more part of the festivities than I have ever been before. I was actually PRESENT and not under control of a demon. I, Chaz, had control! What a breath of fresh air!

I know that my trials are not over with. I know that as I conquer my demons, other situations will arise to test my mettle. But for once in my life, I am at control of the helm. I am captain of my ship. Master of my domain. What a relief!